Dear Infertility _Season 4_Ep 2_Kristen Welker: Audio automatically transcribed by Sonix

Dear Infertility _Season 4_Ep 2_Kristen Welker: this mp3 audio file was automatically transcribed by Sonix with the best speech-to-text algorithms. This transcript may contain errors.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Hi, I'm Kristyn Hodgdon, an IVF mom, proud fertility advocate, and co-founder of Rescripted. Welcome to Dear (In)fertility, the first-ever podcast that doubles as an advice column for fertility, infertility, and pregnancy loss. This season we're going back to our roots, highlighting personal fertility stories from those who have been there, through IVF, egg freezing, donor conception, surrogacy, and more. Now, let's dive in and work towards ending the stigma around fertility, infertility, and pregnancy loss.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Hi, everyone, and welcome back to Dear (In)fertility. I'm your host, Kristyn, and I'm so excited to be here today with Kristen Welker. Hi, Kristen.

Kristen Welker:
Hi, Kristyn. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here and to talk to you today.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
So happy to have you. I feel like we're friends because you're like in my living room every weekend.

Kristen Welker:
So do I! But we're immediate friends because we have the same name. But you have the cooler spelling with a Y.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Well, thank you. So just for anyone who does not know Kristen. Kristen Welker is the co-anchor of Weekend Today and NBC News White House correspondent who's political reporting appears across all NBC news and MSNBC's platforms. She and her husband John welcomed their first child, Margot Lane, with the help of a surrogate in June of 2021. Congratulations on your new addition. Not so new anymore.

Kristen Welker:
Thank you! She's 16 months now, Kristyn, and she is starting to say words here and there, including the word no and, which keeps us very busy.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
This will be a long road of no's from here on out.

Kristen Welker:
I know, it's such a joy and such a blessing. She is just the light of our lives, every day, literally.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Amazing. She's walking?

Kristen Welker:
She's walking. She's starting to walk, slash, run.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah.

Kristen Welker:
We are constantly trying to keep up with her. You have to have a lot of energy.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah, I know that that age is, is very fun and it starts to be physically demanding because you're chasing them around everywhere.

Kristen Welker:
I know, I know.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Well, first off, just want to thank you for taking the time to chat with me about your fertility journey. I know you've been open publicly about it, but before we dive into sort of the nitty gritty, can you give us sort of a brief overview of, of your path to parenthood in your own words?

Kristen Welker:
Absolutely. Well, first of all, thank you so much for the opportunity to talk to you about this issue. That means so much to me and is so near and dear to my heart. And I think that it's important that we share our stories, because a lot of times when you're going through infertility, you feel very alone and very isolated, and that's part of why I wanted to share my story. So my journey began in 2017. My husband and I got married then, and we almost immediately, we were in our forties, I'd just turned 40, wanted to start trying to have a baby, so we didn't waste any time. We went to a fertility doctor almost right off the bat and she said that the best course of action because of my age and a range of different factors would be IVF. And I thought, great, fantastic. Well, hopefully be expecting within a matter of months because you think that IVF is a guarantee that you are going to get pregnant. I had also frozen my eggs when I was in my thirties.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Oh wowm okay.

Kristen Welker:
So I thought this was going to be no problem whatsoever. And we started the process of trying to have a baby. We did a retrieval. We got one good embryo from that retrieval and when they went to implant, they, and this was something that I had actually have shared when I first announced that we were expecting Margot with the help of a surrogate, they realized that the lining of my uterus was too thin to implant the embryo. So I had gone to the doctor expecting to have a plan for when we would do the implantation and when I would be expecting. And I literally said to my family, you know, hopefully I'll be pregnant by the holidays. I mean, I just remember having that conversation with them. I was so optimistic and so excited and frankly, couldn't imagine that anything would get in the way at that point. And when the doctor first told me, your uterus is too thin, I thought, okay, well, let's just fix it. And of course, there are ways that you can improve the lining of, of a uterus. And so I tried everything, acupuncture, vitamins, literally, you name it. I tried it for months and months and months. And while we were doing this process, we also tried to get the eggs that I had frozen in my thirties, we fertilize those. So, I think you know, we were doing all of this at the same time so that we weren't wasting time. And again, I was just very optimistic and, you know, months turned into a year. The months dragged on beyond a year. And then we were at, I believe, like the two year mark, you know, and the other apologies. I'm at my job at the White House. That's an announcement. I don't know. Can you hear it?

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah. Oh, yeah. We got to keep that in, in the podcast because that's too good.

Kristen Welker:
I'm speaking to everyone from my little booth at the White House.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
It's amazing. And I just want to pause for a second because I feel like you brought up something really important, which is that, you know, I think sometimes IVF is portrayed as a guarantee. You know, you read like People magazine, these celebrity stories, like I got pregnant at 48 with twins, like, but they don't really go into all that it was that it might have taken to get to that point. And I think I mean, for me, I was under 30 when I went through IVF the first time and I, my first transfer failed, and I was flabbergasted like, wait, I thought IVF works for everyone. And so, you know, that's, I feel like a grieving process in and of itself because you're like, wait, like, that was the first time I remember being actually shaken that this might not work for me.

Kristen Welker:
Yeah, it's that moment I remember like it was yesterday. In fact, I was sitting right here in my little White House booth when I got the call from the doctor that all of our efforts to try to make my lining thicker, like that first call of, it's not working.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Right.

Kristen Welker:
You know, And I remember just sitting at work and crying one of many moments when I would kind of, you know, try to hide my tears at work and realizing, wait a minute, am I going to be able to carry a child? Am I going to be able to have a child? And that real fear that you start to feel. And so we try to, for again, I think it was a little over two years and I again, I tried everything. And I do want to also say I went to multiple doctors and my doctor was very supportive of that. She's like, go talk to other people, I want you to feel comfortable, I want you to feel like you have a range of different perspectives going into this. So it was the third doctor. And, you know, I'll never forget I was walking in for the, for a big, big news story and I was walking into the White House and that doctor said, you know, we concur with your other doctors that your uterus is just not getting there. It's just, all of the work that you've done, everything that you've, the acupuncture, the vitamins, the exercise, the cutting out this food, cutting out that food, incorporating this, eating more beets, drinking this kind of juice. it's just not getting your uterus there. And we think you should have a surrogate. And, you know, and my first doctor had kind of started to use the term surrogate. But I, it's really I mean, you talk about grief.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah.

Kristen Welker:
When, when someone says to you, you are not going to be able to carry your own child, I mean, I grieved deeply. And by the way, sometimes I still do. I mean, there I look at Margo, who is the greatest blessing and joy in my life. And sometimes I feel sad that I wasn't able to carry her. I mean, I mostly just feel the joy of her being there. But I do still have moments of just wishing, you know, with everything that I could have carried her, that we could have been together in those moments when.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Healing is not linear. And, you know, a lot of times the process involves like feeling two things at once, like grateful for what you have, but also sad for it may not, the fact that it didn't look like the way you thought it might have looked.

Kristen Welker:
Yeah, absolutely. That's what it is. It's not at all what I imagined and letting go of that. And then I think when you are told that you, if you want to have this child and you want this embryo to have life, that you need to use a surrogate and work with a surrogate, it's very hard and it's hard to accept. So there was a lot of discussion with my husband, and I do want to stress this, communication is so key in these moments because a lot of times you aren't feeling the same exact thing at the same time. And that's okay. It's okay. What is important is to keep that line of communication open and to keep sharing how you feel and what your next step should be, because it's different for every couple. I mean, I have friends who have chosen adoption. I have friends who've gone through infertility, who've decided not to have kids and, you know, both or any decision that you come to as a couple is wonderful, and it's your decision. It's about your building your own family. And John and I decided that we wanted to move forward with working with a surrogate, you know, because we we did have this embryo that we wanted to give life to. And so, that was how that decision got made. But I mean, it required a lot of work, talking to people, talking to, I have a wonderful friend who had also used, worked with a surrogate. And so I talked to her. And I should say also, I think, now, I typically refer to them as gestational carriers. And, you know, it's a, it's an extraordinary relationship. My relationship with our gestational carrier was, it continues to be wonderful. She and I are very close still, so yes, to this day. But, but finding her was a journey in and of itself.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah. So tell me about, tell us about how that all came to be. Like, did you make the decision pretty quickly after you were told that you probably needed a surrogate? Did, you know, how did you start the process? I think that, that whole process is sort of shrouded in mystery for a lot of people.

Kristen Welker:
Yes, you're right.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
It can be, it can be hard to know where to start.

Kristen Welker:
It first, so John and I talked to each other about it and then we talked to our families about it, and we were really lucky. Everyone was so supportive of this decision. And so for us, I think the decision was made. And again, the fact that I was struggling this way was happening over time. So we were having these conversations over time. So when that final call came in, it was really about having that, some, some weeks to grieve, but then also saying, okay, how do we move forward? And I approached it like, I approach everything, kind of like as a reporter, I started getting the names of different surrogacy agencies, calling people, talking to people who'd worked with each agency, talking to the people within the agency, and really getting a sense of what that relationship is like and how each agency, you know, conducts that relationship. And so finally we found an agency that we really wanted to work with, and they're just fantastic, they're wonderful. And, and then you start the process of finding the person who's going to go on that journey with you. And, you know, I think it started with a Zoom initially and then an in-person meeting, and we just felt this immediate connection. And it's important to say that I think for many surrogates, they are already moms.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yes.

Kristen Welker:
And so that is certainly the case with, with our surrogate. And she has a beautiful little boy. And so we were so inspired by her as a mom, as a parent. She and her husband are wonderful parents. And we just thought this is who we want to work with.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Right. You had a gut feeling.

Kristen Welker:
Yeah. And she's such a unique and extraordinary person and has said that this is something that she's been interested in since she was a child because some of her loved ones growing up had been through infertility.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Oh, wow!

Kristen Welker:
So she really felt, you know, called to do this in some sense and and just had thought through it even more than we had. I mean, we joke that, you know, we just did whatever she told it. We're like, just tell us what to do, ... tell us to do. And again, we're still friends. We just, you know, all got together and with with Margot and with their son and had like a day in the park and ate lunch. And so I feel really fortunate for that relationship.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
That's amazing. How long did it take between the time you sort of signed up for an agency to the time you kind of locked in your gestational carrier?

Kristen Welker:
It was remarkably short.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Okay!

Kristen Welker:
I want to say maybe two, three months, maybe?

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Wow!

Kristen Welker:
It was very short. And I felt very fortunate. And again, it was that just immediate connection that we felt. Now, I will tell you our journey overall was another stretch because of COVID, right? Kind of our trying sort of intersected with, died of COVID when literally she couldn't go in to do a transfer. I mean, they had basically halted those services. And so that was really overwhelming. But what was interesting about that period, and I share this openly with people because I do think it's important, I spent a lot of that time talking to a therapist. It was like there was complete inaction. Our fertility journey was frozen because of COVID and so many couples across the country experienced the same thing. And I really did a lot of work on myself and like my own grief process during that time, during COVID, and those early days to kind of work through all of my complicated emotions. And by the way, I think, and this is different for every couple, every person, but I had a lot of guilt over not being able to carry myself. And I really had to work through not just the grief but the guilt that I felt. And so I would encourage anyone who is, you know, dealing with infertility on a surrogacy journey or an IVF journey or anything else, it's really helpful. And it was really helpful to me to have someone to talk to about the unique feelings that you have. And even around pregnancy, whether you're maybe, you've gotten pregnant naturally, I think there are always, you know, challenges that you face along the way. And for me, talking to a fertility specialist.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yes.

Kristen Welker:
And someone who had really specialized in that.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
That I always tell people that because my first time around, I didn't see a therapist that specializes in fertility issues. And I felt like I was explaining the science of IVF to her.

Kristen Welker:
Which you do not want to have to.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
You do not want to have to do that. I already had to do that with my mom and.

Kristen Welker:
Yes.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
My family. But. But now.

Kristen Welker:
....

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah, after my recent miscarriage a couple of months ago, I said,

Kristen Welker:
Oh, I'm so sorry.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
I really need to, thank you. I said, I really need to find someone that specialized and it's night and day. It's like your emotions are validated, in some, in, on such a higher level because they get really how this process works and the unique grief and struggle involved.

Kristen Welker:
Yeah, and I think that's so important that you are not explaining the science to someone, that the person who you're speaking to understands all of that as a baseline and also understands how complicated the range of emotions can be around fertility struggles. And for me, it was just so wonderful to have that hour, and by the way, that was on Zoom.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah.

Kristen Welker:
And it was still so meaningful and so empowering. And by the time we did the implantation, I felt so, kind of, confident. I dealt with so much of the grief, so much of the guilt, and could just put all of my positive energy into that miraculous moment of, of the implantation. My husband and I were there and again, like our surrogate is just so wonderful and wanted us to be a part of every single process. And that's different for, you know, different women may have different requests for what they feel comfortable with, and it's important to respect that. But she really wanted us to be a part of every minute of the journey, and so we felt really fortunate.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
And that first transfer ended up being Margot.

Kristen Welker:
That was Margot. That was Margot. So she, and that was October of 2020, October 2020. Yes, and she was born in June of 2021.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
So how was it balancing the physical and emotional toll of IVF and infertility with, I mean, you obviously have a high pressure career. And, you know, I think the early morning appointments, like how did you do all of that with your, with your job?

Kristen Welker:
It was incredibly challenging. And, and I should say I knew we were pregnant and expecting Margot when I did the, when I moderated the presidential debate. And I always say she was my little secret weapon because I knew in my heart that I had this reason to be joyous no matter how this night turned out.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
That's awesome.

Kristen Welker:
I was just so grateful and thankful for her and for knowing that she was on the way. But balancing those early days, Kristyn, was, it was incredibly difficult, in part because as a correspondent who covers the White House for NBC News, I was often at work at 6 a.m.. And as you know, those fertility hours, I don't even know.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Exactly, the monitoring.

Kristen Welker:
Kind of are like 7 to 9 or whatever it ends up being. And it's very complicated when you are filing a report for the Today Show. And you know, there, because it's the White House, you, if you are on duty, you really have to be, there has to be someone physically present at the White House at all of the hours that we are on air. And the reason for that is because if there's breaking news, there has to be someone to go to the camera.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Right.

Kristen Welker:
So the way that I did it honestly was a huge team effort. And the people on my team would, you know, if I had to leave for an hour, someone would come and be at the White House for me. I mean, I had it down to a science. You know, I would get in a cab, go to my appointment, which was, you know, 5-10 minutes away, come back to the White House, finish my shift. But I think what a lot of people don't realize is that when you are going through infertility and these treatments, you are often getting news that you weren't expecting. As you say, this is not how you envision this. I remember moments of John and I just crying, hugging and then, okay, we have to go to work. It is such an immense amount of pressure and stress. And again, and that's when I actually started seeing the therapist who specializes in infertility. And thank goodness for her because she was just a rock during, during that time. And again, I think that being able to see the therapist and then also to really work on my communication with John around this issue was just so important and to be able to to be able to cry together, whether it's like before you're going to work, when you get home at night, whatever it is. And I think what people don't realize, and I don't know if you've experienced this, but when I was going through all of that, something that I don't talk about that much is that I wasn't sleeping a whole lot.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Oh, wow.

Kristen Welker:
I would like wake up in the middle of the night, just panicked and upset and worried. And because you're living in this, you just can't imagine that this is actually happening, frankly.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah. Well, and I was going to ask you, like, I feel like as a successful person, you've worked really hard to get where you are and like hard work a lot of times equals success. And infertility hard work does not equal success. And it's very there's like a level of acceptance that you need to have or, you know, it's hard to achieve that level of acceptance when everything not everything, but like, you know, you're taught at a young age that hard work equals, equals getting what you want or.

Kristen Welker:
Absolutely.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah.

Kristen Welker:
That hard work pays off and you, you earn you know your your job, or your good grades, or whatever it is. And this is something that you just don't have control over.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Control over, yeah.

Kristen Welker:
You can do, you can do what the doctors are telling you. And again, in my case, that was like acupuncture. That was another thing, I was constantly running back and forth to acupuncture appointments and, you know, in the middle of the workday and squeezing it in and and trying to make it all work. And then you, I did have a moment of realization of there's a lot of this that is not in my control.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah.

Kristen Welker:
You know, and this broader realization that we just don't control know life and when it happens. And so, it is, you're absolutely right. As someone who's used to working hard and seeing your results, it's completely counterintuitive.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Yeah. So do you feel like this whole journey prepared you for motherhood? In a way?

Kristen Welker:
I do. And you know what's so funny that you asked about the decision to use a surrogate? That was my first understanding of what it meant to be a mom, because I thought what I want to do is implant this embryo and carry it and defy what the the doctors are telling me and to, you know, just have faith and have hope and to know it's going to work out. But what they are telling me is what's best for this embryo is for someone else to carry this embryo. And so I had to really step back and take myself out of it and prioritize the health of this little being over myself and everything that I'd ever wanted in my life. And as you say so well, and I keep going back to this because I think this is what people struggle with, it's just not how I envisioned it, you know? And and I think that one of the things that I give my surrogacy agency so much credit for, and they're incredible growing generations, they, you know, talk to me through look, when your baby is born, it's important that you celebrate this journey that she has been on and that you have been on together and talk to her about it at an early age. You never want it to be a revelation.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Right.

Kristen Welker:
You know, You want it to be a part of who she is always. And so that's how we've, you know, I talked to her about it when we were with our gestational carrier just a couple of months ago, you know, I talked about this is your special angel who helped bring you here, you know, and we had this. And now, she's too young to understand what we're saying. But I do think letting her have that relationship and allowing her to see and understand how she got here and how loved she is.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
It's important, it really is.

Kristen Welker:
Yeah.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
So what advice would you give to someone currently in the trenches of infertility or, or a surrogacy journey?

Kristen Welker:
I would say reach out to people for help, do not be ashamed to talk about it. I think there's so much kind of, there's a sense of guilt and shame sometimes that we associate with this journey and that, that, you know, the pressure that we put on ourselves to have this all work out. And when it's not, you, you know, it's easy to just turn inward and to not want to discuss it with anyone. Now, that might be the right way for some people to approach this. For me, it was helpful to discuss it with my husband, to discuss it with my parents, to discuss it with my friends, and even some of my coworkers, I mean, especially my coworkers, because they had to know why they were coming in to help me with all of these multitude of appointments that I had. Some people would not be comfortable doing that, but for me it was a really important part of the journey. So I would say that I would definitely say reach out to a therapist who specializes in this space, I think that was so empowering and helpful for me. And I would say, you know, don't give up. Again, like you and your, your partner or you will, however, you're deciding to build your family, you get to make the final decision and everyone maybe comes to a different conclusion and that is okay. But if you want to be a parent, there are so many beautiful, wonderful ways to become a parent. And, you know, whether it's, I have a friend who's currently working on adoption and, you know, I'm so excited and I'm hoping that that works out very soon, you know? And ..., who I work with on the Today Show, obviously, she's talked extensively about her beautiful girls and.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
I love her.

Kristen Welker:
She has been such a wonderful inspiration as I've gone through this, you know, as has Savannah, who became a mom when she was in her forties and has talked about that. So I think that, you know, reach out to those people who've been down the same path also for guidance, for help, for support, because I do think people who've been through this journey want to help.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Absolutely. Yeah. Turning their pain into purpose.

Kristen Welker:
Exactly.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
For sure. So last question, I always like to ask at the end of our episodes, our company's name is Rescripted. So what would you rescript about how people think about fertility, infertility, surrogacy?

Kristen Welker:
Well, the first thing I would rescript specifically in the area of surrogacy is I think it's something to celebrate. I think surrogates, gestational carriers are heroes. They're amazing women who have so much strength and purpose. And that's part of why I wanted to share my journey, because I didn't ever want Margot to feel like her journey here was a secret. I wanted to shout it out loud and to celebrate it, and for people to know that this is one path that you can take. Again, there are many other paths that you can take, and this is one of them. And we celebrate her and having this option, which is such a blessing, in such a joy and has brought so much joy to my family. And really it's like we have a new family now, in my gestational carrier.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
It's incredible. I love that. Well, awesome. Well, thank you so much, Kristen, for being.

Kristen Welker:
Thank you, Kristyn.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Open and candid and.

Kristen Welker:
I've loved talking to you. This was such a great conversation. Thank you for everything you are doing and sharing your story as well.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Of course, that's my, it's become my life's mission.

Kristen Welker:
That's great. Well, I'm cheering you on, and I'm honored to have played a part in this, this part of your podcast.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Thank you so much.

Kristyn Hodgdon:
Thank you for tuning into this episode of Dear (In)fertility. We hope it left you feeling more educated and empowered about your reproductive and sexual health. Whatever you're currently struggling with. Rescripted is here to hold your hand every step of the way. If you like today's episode and want to stay up to date on our podcast, don't forget to click subscribe, and to join Rescripted's Free Fertility Support Community, head to Rescripted.com.

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