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I have been feeling all of the feels lately, so I thought it would be a good idea to get my thoughts down on paper and post a quick update for you all about my hospital bedrest situation.
Let's just preface this by saying, I am about to contradict almost everything I said in my last post. Yes, the other day I was initially way calmer than I would have expected to be in this situation, but let’s be real: being 27 weeks pregnant, having signs of pre-term labor, and being put on hospital bed rest can make your emotions change in an instant. In fact, I’ve never experienced such a roller-coaster of emotions in such a short amount of time.
Looking back to Tuesday when I got to the hospital, I think I was in survival mode. I don’t think the weight of the situation even fully hit me because I was so focused on just getting through the moment I was in and becoming stable for my babies. Until yesterday, I had no idea that on that first day my contractions at one point made my cervix a mere .3 cm. That is almost non-existent. Thankfully, they were able to stop my contractions and my cervix has since stabilized at a more acceptable 1.5 cm, but it is still incredibly scary how close a call we had. Between hearing that and being visited by NICU doctors, suddenly the severity of the situation came crashing down on me and all of my emotions hit me at once. Cue the waterworks.
Since then, every day has been full of ups and downs, yesterday probably being the roughest of them all because it was supposed to be the day of my baby shower. It was a day that I had been looking forward to pretty much since day 1 of infertility treatments. As many of you know, when you’re going through infertility, you fantasize about a few things on a regular basis: the day you find out you’re pregnant, having a cute little baby bump, and the day of your baby shower, to name a few. It’s part of what gets you through the hard days. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, I had been looking forward to getting all dressed up, seeing my family and friends, and celebrating these two babies we worked so hard to conceive. Not only that, I know my mom put so much time, thought, and effort into planning my shower and making it special for me, only for it to be cancelled at the last minute. I know it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but part of me felt like I had earned it after such a long and difficult journey to get to this point, and to be honest with you it feels a little bit like yet another thing infertility has taken away from me.
Not to be all "woe is me," but just because infertility may have prepared me to expect the unexpected in life doesn't mean it makes situations like this any less difficult to handle. My husband said to me the other day at the hospital, “Nothing on our journey to becoming parents has been easy,” and it’s so true. Most of the time I choose to focus on the positive and have a "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" attitude, but sometimes it all just feels unfair, and it's okay to feel that way, too. Nothing can prepare you for when hard things happen, and there's no right way to respond to situations that are completely unprecedented. Not everyone can be super woman every day.
Still, I can't be selfish, and I have to choose to focus on my health and that of my twins right now no matter how emotionally fragile I am. The good news is that the babies are doing great and so am I. According to the doctors, every day I remain pregnant is three less days that the babies will need to be in the NICU, and if that isn't motivation to be strong I don't know what is! They also reassured me that if I do get discharged on Wednesday, there is hope that I can last weeks if not months at home on bed rest with these babies remaining safely tucked in my belly. Thinking about it like that, it is a sacrifice that I am happy to make if it means an easier road for my babies when they are born, even if these hospital walls feel like they are closing in on me at the moment.
So here's to keeping my sanity and getting through these next few days, weeks, and hopefully months of pregnancy. Yesterday, that involved hiring a manicurist to come to the hospital and pamper me on what was supposed to be my baby shower day. Hey, whatever it takes, right?!
