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We’ve said over and over again, and we’ll say it once more: Sex ed in the United States is broken. Young people aren’t given enough information about their sexual and reproductive health. And the relationship between that lack of transparency and the shame surrounding these topics is intimately (er, no pun intended) linked. They feed into each other, and that’s why, when it comes to sexual health, so many of our cultural narratives are both problematic and inaccurate.
Women especially bear the brunt of all the secrecy, shame, and misinformation that surround these issues.
The link between broken sex ed and purity culture is undeniable. Rather than equipping young people with proper information, many systems prefer to ignore these conversations altogether. That's why so many young people are forced to cobble together fragments of what they've heard about sexual health, rather than learning science-backed truth.
Take the idea of virginity — it's informed by purity culture messages, not medical reality.
Virginity is a social construct
You may have heard that virginity is not a real thing, but rather a social construct. But what exactly does this mean?
According to Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, a Kinsey-certified sexologist and author of How Do You Like It?, virginity is a social construct because there’s no real medical meaning behind the term.
“It’s loaded with misguided, unhelpful meanings that the patriarchy and organized religion have created to control the narrative around sexual empowerment and liberation,” says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn.
Labeling of people, especially women, as virgins is problematic
The term “virgin” doesn’t have any biological meaning. Instead, it’s just a social label assigned to people, especially women, to signify a level of “purity”.
“For girls, losing your virginity comes with stigma,” says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn. “You're seen as no longer ‘pure’ [and deemed] somehow less valuable.”
This social construct deepens the stigma women receive
It’s not exactly news that women are judged and shamed for issues relating to sex, and that a distinct set of double standards affects how we talk about women through this lens. The idea of virginity only adds to this stigma — and it’s informed by misinformation.
“Women are especially judged when it comes to sex,” says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn. “There's a persistent myth that you should bleed the first time because you're breaking your hymen, but that's not true. Some people don’t bleed at all the first time they have penetrative sex.”
The label carries stigma when assigned to men or boys, too
“For boys, being a virgin for too long past the ‘typical age’ is often treated as embarrassing or shameful,” says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn.
This carries its own issues, all made up of our warped cultural ideas about sexuality. While women are more vulnerable to these ideas, men and boys are negatively affected as well.
“Either way, it’s all bad,” says the expert.
The patriarchy of it all
The concept of virginity stems from so many sources — but biology isn’t one of them.
“Our culture is rooted in patriarchy and religion, which often doesn’t take into account any sort of sexual empowerment and frames sex as shameful (especially for women),” says the expert. “Many religions promote this narrative globally. Sexual anxiety and shame based on one’s religious beliefs is really an epidemic.”
The effect goes beyond messaging
Yes, the messages people receive around sexuality and virginity are frustrating and misguided. But the messages have a deeper effect as well.
“Purity culture can lead to low sexual self-esteem and sexual confidence,” says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn. “People may feel unworthy of pleasure or sexual agency because the culture gives them a script to follow.”
And if they don’t follow the script? “If they deviate from it, they're made to feel like they’re not worthy of love and respect,” the expert says.
This can even create issues around communication and consent. With enough shame around sexuality, people may not develop the tools and skills needed to communicate their boundaries.
How do we rescript the narrative here?
First, by rethinking how we discuss these issues and remembering that virginity isn't a real thing. We have a responsibility to put better messaging in place societally, especially for future generations.
“Research shows that parents play a big role in having this conversation with their teens. It’s important that people become more educated about the dangers of the traditional virginity narrative and purity culture and become more informed as to how to have this conversation with their children,” says the expert.
Language matters: Try ‘sexual debut’
“We can start by changing the language and the way we talk about the first time having sex,” says Dr. Suwinyattichaiporn. “Instead of saying, ‘lose your virginity,’ let’s say ‘sexual debut.’ Let’s talk about it as just a natural process of life and not a huge event that needs to be magical, a gift to be given to someone, or something to lose.”
Zara Hanawalt is a freelance journalist and mom of twins. She's written for outlets like Parents, MarieClaire, Elle, Cosmopolitan, Motherly, and many others. In her (admittedly limited!) free time, she enjoys cooking, reading, trying new restaurants, and traveling with her family.