Let's talk about the elephant in the bedroom that nobody wants to acknowledge.
So your husband can't perform during ovulation, and you don't know what to do. This topic isn't discussed very often because, well, who's going to throw their husband under the bus? But here's the tea: we've ALL experienced this at some point, and it's time we stopped whispering about it in fertility forums and started talking about it openly.
The bottom line?
You're not broken, he's not broken, and your relationship isn't doomed. But there's actual science behind why this happens — and real solutions that go way beyond "just relax" (ugh, we hate that advice too).
You're really not alone
Before we dive into why this happens and what you can actually do about it, let's get one thing straight: performance issues during ovulation affect approximately 30 to 50 million men experience erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives — often happening more often with age. And 30% of cases of infertility are related to male factor issues — that includes performance issues. That Reddit thread you've been lurking on? Those "asking for a friend" posts? Yeah, they're all talking about the same thing you're experiencing right now.
The pressure cooker of TTC doesn't just mess with our heads — it literally rewires our partners' nervous systems. And honestly? It makes total sense when you understand what's happening behind the scenes.
Take Erin Bulcao's experience. When she and her husband first started trying to conceive, she had no idea what was coming:
"When my husband and I first started trying to conceive back in 2010, I knew nothing about ovulation tracking. All I knew was that we needed to have sex, and have a lot of it. I hope no one is blushing right now, but it’s the truth! I remember worrying that if we didn’t do it daily, I wouldn’t get pregnant. I was so naive back then. If only I had tracked my ovulation we could have been more precise, but knowing what I know now, it probably wouldn’t have helped anyway!”
At first, things were great.
“At first, my husband didn’t complain; to him, it was a perk! We had been married for almost a year, so we were still in that fun newlywed phase. We had just started trying to conceive, and we were on cloud 9 thinking it would work on the first try.”
But reality hit hard:
But then we took the first round of pregnancy tests (yep, I’m neurotic and took about 5-6 to confirm I wasn’t pregnant), and when they were all negative we were in shock. This wasn’t how we expected things to go! So, we tried again, and again, and with each month a little bit of the fun and excitement went away.
Male performance anxiety when trying to conceive
Let's be real about the mental gymnastics happening in his head during your fertile window:
"What if this is the month and I mess it up?"
"She's going to be disappointed if I can't perform."
"Everyone's going to ask if we're pregnant yet."
"Maybe I'm the reason we're not pregnant."
This isn't just performance anxiety — it's existential dread with a side of sexual pressure. No wonder things aren't working the way they used to.
Erin's experience illustrates this perfectly:
"We started to take more days off. We were still having sex, but in the back of our minds, we knew why we were doing it. I would lay there with my legs up the wall for fifteen minutes every time afterward. There were several times when I didn't even care if I had an orgasm because, well, I just wanted to get pregnant! Looking back, I know that must have affected him, too knowing that all I cared about was having a baby at that moment."
Can performance anxiety actually affect fertility?
Yes — performance anxiety can absolutely affect fertility, not because it changes sperm quality, but because it can interfere with sex itself. Worrying about erections, timing, or “performing well” can create a cycle of stress that makes intercourse harder to initiate or complete, especially when you’re under the pressure of timed baby-making. That stress doesn’t just impact confidence — it can make conceiving naturally more difficult.
The good news? Performance anxiety is common and very treatable. Open communication with your partner, stress-management techniques, healthy lifestyle habits, and professional support (if needed) can make a real difference. And if anxiety keeps getting in the way, fertility treatments like IUI or IVF can help bypass the pressure of the bedroom altogether.
Why can't my husband ejaculate?
Here's what nobody tells you: your partner's brain is literally working against him during ovulation week. And it's not his fault.
Questions Women Are Asking
As Erin describes the shift:
"When my husband came home from work I would try to make things romantic. I tried to be sexy and fun, but that got old and kind of difficult to do daily. We still tried, because I insisted, but things became increasingly more difficult as time went on. When we realized it wasn’t going to be so easy for us, sex became less romantic and more like a job, and my husband began having trouble performing.”
The stress-performance spiral
When the stakes are high (hello, making a human!), our brains activate what researchers call the sympathetic nervous system — our fight-or-flight response. For men, this means:
- Increased cortisol (stress hormone) that directly interferes with testosterone production
- Reduced blood flow to, well, where it needs to go
- Performance anxiety that creates a vicious cycle of anticipation and failure
Think about it: your partner knows exactly when ovulation is happening. He's tracking it too, whether consciously or not. That ovulation app notification? The subtle (or not-so-subtle) hints? His brain registers all of it as pressure.
And that pressure had a knock-on effect:
“We started to get frustrated with each other. In all honesty, he was probably frustrated with himself, and I was frustrated with the whole process. I started to feel like it was me — like he was tired of having sex with me. We started to argue more, and all I could think about was how much time we were losing when we were not trying. That made me anxious and angry. It made me feel less desirable and like I couldn’t excite my husband enough to have sex with me, all because we were trying — and failing — to conceive. We struggled a lot, and while we didn’t always understand what we were arguing about, looking back, we just didn’t know how to deal with the emotions of not being able to conceive.”
Hormones: It’s always hormones, even for him
When stress is running high, men’s testosterone levels often take a hit — thanks to cortisol disrupting the same brain-to-hormone pathways that control reproduction. For couples trying to conceive, that drop in testosterone can be especially frustrating if it lines up with ovulation, when timing really matters. In other words, the very pressure of trying to conceive can make the body less cooperative, creating a feedback loop that only adds to the stress.
Performance paralysis
When sex becomes goal-oriented rather than pleasure-focused, it can trigger a "performance paralysis." Your partner's brain becomes so focused on the end result (ejaculation = potential pregnancy) that it actually inhibits the natural process.
Medication
Medication interference is another common culprit. Antidepressants (especially SSRIs) and blood pressure medications, for example, can significantly impact ejaculation.
Too often?
Here's something nobody talks about: if you're having sex daily during your fertile window (which many couples attempt), sperm volume and quality can actually decrease. The "every day" approach often backfires both physically and psychologically.
The sweet spot? Most fertility experts recommend sex every other day during your fertile window, or 2-3 times during your most fertile days. This gives his body time to replenish while maintaining optimal timing.
What actually works with performance anxiety while TTC
Let's talk about what you can actually do about this situation, because sitting around feeling frustrated isn't helping anyone get pregnant.
- Stop the cycle tracking obsession (temporarily) Sometimes the best thing you can do is take a month off from tracking everything. Delete the apps, put away the thermometer, and just... exist as a couple for a hot minute.
- Change the conversation Instead of "We need to have sex tonight because I'm ovulating," try "I've been thinking about you all day" or "Want to take a shower together?" Context switching can work wonders.
- Timing flexibility Remember: sperm can live for up to 5 days in your body. You don't need to hit ovulation day exactly. Having sex 1-2 days before ovulation is actually ideal, and it takes the pressure off that specific day.
- Script for the conversation you've been avoiding: "Hey, I've noticed we're both feeling some pressure around sex lately. I want us to enjoy each other again, not just when we're trying to make a baby. How are you feeling about everything?"
- Listen without fixing When he opens up, resist the urge to immediately problem-solve. Sometimes he just needs to feel heard, not coached.
- Separate intimacy from conception Have sex for fun on non-fertile days. Seriously. Your relationship needs it, and it takes the pressure off the "important" days.
- The "taking turns" method Some couples find success alternating who initiates during fertile windows, removing the pressure from one person.
- Morning vs. evening switch-ups Testosterone levels are naturally higher in the morning for most men. That might just be the boost he needs to get things going.
- Professional support isn't failure Couples therapy specifically focused on fertility issues can provide tools you didn't know existed. We should normalize this instead of suffering in silence.
Can fertility treatments help?
Yes — fertility treatments can sometimes help couples struggling with erectile dysfunction (ED) while trying to conceive, though not always in the way you might think. Treatments like IUI or IVF take some of the pressure off sex being the only path to pregnancy, which can break the cycle of anxiety and performance stress.
Erin shared her experience:
“We finally realized we needed fertility treatments a few months into trying to conceive. In a way, this helped us as a couple and allowed us to ease some of the pressure from having sex. But fertility treatments and hormones brought a whole new set of stressors for us as a newlywed couple. The pressure mounted, and the feeling that we couldn’t create a life together on our own was very strong. It made him feel less like a ‘man,’ and it made me feel like my body wasn’t doing the one thing it was meant to do, have a baby.”
"We were lucky and got pregnant with our twins via our first IUI, and after that, we went back to enjoying sex again since the pressure was gone. While there were other everyday stressors, the sole fact that we were not worrying about trying to conceive made me feel so much more desirable and allowed me, and him, to enjoy sex so much more."
What if he refuses to talk about it?
It’s not uncommon for men to shut down when the topic feels too overwhelming or tied to shame. If he’s avoiding the conversation, start by creating space for connection outside of TTC — date nights, shared hobbies, or even just small daily rituals that remind you both of your bond. Once the pressure feels lighter, you can gently introduce the fertility piece in a way that feels less confrontational. If the silence continues to feel like a wall between you, couples counseling can be a safe, neutral space to break through it. Remember, communication around fertility is often a work in progress, not something solved in one conversation.
Is it okay to take a break from trying?
Absolutely. Pressing pause doesn’t mean giving up — it means giving yourselves room to breathe. Stepping back for a cycle or two can ease the constant pressure of timed sex, ovulation tests, and two-week waits, while giving you space to focus on your relationship, your wellbeing, or simply enjoying life again. Your mental health is a huge part of your fertility journey, and protecting it can make the path ahead feel lighter and more sustainable.
When to worry and when to wait
Temporary ejaculation issues during TTC are incredibly common and usually resolve once pressure is reduced. However, see a healthcare provider if:
- Issues persist outside of fertile windows
- Complete inability to ejaculate for multiple cycles
- Pain or discomfort during ejaculation
- Significant changes in ejaculate volume or consistency
- Mental health impacts that affect daily life
- Physical symptoms like pain or extreme fatigue
- You've been trying for 6+ months with these issues
Could this be a sign of a bigger problem?
Sometimes erectile issues are just about stress and timing, but if they keep happening outside of TTC pressure, it could be worth looking deeper. Ongoing difficulties may point to underlying health conditions like hormone imbalances, cardiovascular concerns, or even side effects from medication. If you’re worried, talking to a doctor can help rule out anything medical and give you peace of mind. Remember, seeking help isn’t admitting defeat — it’s taking care of your health and your future family.
The reality: It might happen again
But the story doesn't end there. As Erin discovered when they tried for baby number three:
"Six years later, when we decided to try for our next baby, guess what happened? There I was again with my legs up the wall, trying to enjoy sex and failing miserably. We started to get in a funk again, him unable to perform and me not caring if I enjoyed it or not."
The lesson? This isn't a one-and-done problem you solve. It can resurface, and that's normal. But as Erin learned, "the second time around, we had more tools, more understanding, and honestly, less patience for suffering in silence."
Riding your relationship through the TTC rollercoaster
When you’re in the thick of TTC, no one warns you that sex can start to feel more like a job than a joy. Scheduled intercourse, ovulation windows, and mounting pressure can quickly overshadow intimacy, leaving both partners frustrated and disconnected. For many couples, it’s not just about fertility struggles — it’s about how those struggles ripple into every corner of the relationship.
As Erin puts it:
"Trying to conceive can be all-consuming. It can take over your entire life and mind to the point where you're unable to think about anything else. Sometimes, in the process, we forget that our partners are involved, too. Their minds also get intertwined in all of the stress of infertility, and unfortunately, their ability to 'perform' becomes affected as well."
"I wish I had a great piece of advice. Truthfully, it's just a hard reality of trying to conceive. There is pressure on everyone involved. Through this process, I have learned that while I wish I could control my husband and his emotions I just can't. I can only be there for him, try to empathize with him, and hope that being more vocal and communicative about how we are feeling brings us closer and allows for intimacy to become intimate again."
The truth is, no one really prepares you for how much TTC can affect intimacy — or how important it is to protect your relationship along the way. Fertility struggles may feel like they’re all about timing, tests, and treatment plans, but at the heart of it, they’re also about two people trying to hold on to each other. Whether your path to parenthood is short, long, or takes an unexpected turn, the real victory is making sure you’re still standing together — as partners first, parents second.
Erin Bulcao is 36 years old. She lives in Encinitas, CA with her husband of 10 years and their twin girls who were conceived through IUI 9 years ago. She is also pregnant with her rainbow baby girl via IVF. Erin is a certified yoga teacher but had to put teaching on hold due to fertility treatments. She loves hot yoga, taking long walks with her husband, which they use as therapy (although she does that, too). In the meantime, they will keep working on that third baby. Read Erin’s blog and follow her on Instagram.