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You would think, after a year of infertility treatments, that finding out I was pregnant was the happiest day of my life. Not that it wasn’t, because it was, but it was also full of lots of other complicated emotions: shock, happiness, fear, anxiety, relief, uncertainty, guilt, you name it.
Here are five genuine reactions my husband and I had when we found out we were pregnant after a year of infertility treatments…
1. Happiness (obviously)
Despite my better judgment, I had taken a pregnancy test at home prior to going into the office for my beta. Much to my surprise, it almost immediately turned positive. I naturally thought the test was defective and took another one, and sure enough that one came up positive, too. Still, in disbelief, I took both tests to my doctor’s office with me. My favorite nurse Jenna smiled at me and said, “those look positive to me!” and we went ahead with my beta blood test. Not even an hour later, I got a call from Jenna with the good news, and she and the other nurses were legitimately jumping up and down with happiness for us. In that moment, I realized just how many people had genuinely been rooting for us, and it made getting the good news that much sweeter.
2. Skepticism (naturally)
Up until that point I had only ever received disappointing news when it came to my fertility, and although my doctors continued to assure me otherwise, I was starting to think that getting pregnant was nearly impossible. I had trouble even picturing myself with a baby, because the thought just seemed so far off, especially after my recent failed frozen embryo transfer. So, when the nurses called me excitedly to tell me I was pregnant, my natural reaction was to be happy but slightly skeptical. It was weird because I knew they were giving me the news I had been waiting so long to hear, but I also felt the need to guard my heart a little bit. I had read a lot about early miscarriages and chemical pregnancies and didn’t want to get my hopes up too high. My husband and I both felt the need to be cautiously optimistic, even though we should have been celebrating.
3. ”We hope the baby is ours!”
Another genuine reaction from both myself and my husband that day was, “I hope the baby is ours!” Yes, that was meant to make you laugh but, in all seriousness, IVF takes so much of the fun out of trying to conceive that it was actually a thought that crossed our minds. What if they mixed up the embryos? Even though we had gone through dozens of injections, an egg retrieval, and two frozen embryo transfers, there’s still a slight disconnect when you are told you're pregnant and didn't even have to have sex to get there!
4. Why me? Why us?
That day I also had a “why me?” moment. I’m talking about the guilt you feel knowing that you got your good news while so many others are still waiting for theirs. I have to say, that feeling still hasn’t fully gone away and I’m not sure that it ever will.
5. Could it be twins?!
Our last reaction before hanging up the phone with the nurses was, “wait, that HCG number seems high, could it be twins?” Well, you all know how that turned out!
Basically, finding out we were pregnant after a year-long infertility battle was a roller-coaster of emotions: the good, the bad, the funny, and the ugly. It was the happiest day of our lives for sure, but somewhat bittersweet all the same.