Coping with Infertility During the Holidays: Our Top 10 Tips

That time of year is upon us. Again. We know all too well that the holiday season can be rife with emotional landmines when going through infertility. Gatherings with family and friends can mean unsolicited and insensitive comments. They can also mean seeing up close and personal the less complicated family-building journeys of those close to us. It hurts.

Holidays also serve as a benchmark in the passage of time. They can be a painful reminder of where we expected to be by now. Our by-this-time-next-year hopes bump up against the harsh reality of how far we still have to go.

The bottom line is that the infertility experience is massively depleting and can be even more so between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. The only way through is to prioritize your own needs and invest time and energy into self-preservation and replenishment. It is imperative to take concrete steps to find comfort and support, whenever and wherever you can. Even small things that may seem obvious can make a world of difference, things you would likely tell a loved one to do to feel better, but you may not remember yourself while in the thick of navigating an infertility journey.

Why the holidays hit differently when you're dealing with infertility

It was Christmas 2013 and I had a secret. This would be our last Christmas without a baby. We were going to be parents by this time next year. We needed to soak up this year because there would never be another like it.

Next year, we would have a little bundle of joy to dress up in festive holiday clothes and hang the cutest little “my first Christmas” ornament on the tree. Next year was going to be different, and I smiled all day, sharing my little secret with no one but my husband. I guess I should mention, we weren’t pregnant. Well, not yet, at least. But we would be soon; I just knew we would be pregnant really soon.

You see, everything in our relationship had happened fast. We had a whirlwind romance and went from friends to dating to engaged to married in less than a year. A few months after that we decided to move across the country, and in a matter of weeks had already started packing. A year later we decided to buy a house. It was October when we started looking. Andrew talked about how great it would be to be in the new house for the holidays, but I told him we should be more realistic and that buying a house takes time. But wouldn’t you know it, we put our Christmas tree up in our new house that year.

In the past, when things happened to us, they happened quickly, so there was no doubt in my mind that getting pregnant would be a quick 1-3 month exercise. Though, let’s be honest, I was pretty certain it would happen on our very first try.

Fast forward to 2019. It’s officially our 6th last Christmas without a baby. And to be honest, the “last Christmas without a baby” bit lost its charm about 5 Christmases ago.

It’s no surprise that, according to a 2018 study for Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, they found that dealing with infertility can be as stressful as being diagnosed with cancer.

No matter what holidays you’re celebrating this time of year, the winter season can be really, really tough for those of us going through infertility and loss. Over the past few years of infertility, I’ve had holiday moments that range from a dull ache to excruciating pain. I know what it’s like to face “the most wonderful time of the year” with heartache and longing. I wish I could wave a magic wand (or use a holiday wish) to make it all better.

Dealing with infertility during the holidays: 10 ways to protect your peace

The holidays have a way of turning the emotional volume all the way up: twinkly lights, family group chats, joyful announcements, and at least one relative who asks questions no one should be asking at the dinner table. And when you’re navigating infertility, that mix can feel less like a celebration and more like a minefield.

You’re not imagining it. This season is harder when you’re carrying grief, uncertainty, or the exhaustion of yet another cycle. Protecting your peace is survival, and it’s allowed. Actually, it’s essential.

Here are 10 genuinely doable ways to help you get through the holiday season with more grounding, more comfort, and a lot more compassion for yourself. You deserve that, and so much more.

1. Set boundaries before the family gatherings begin

In case you need this important reminder, you do not need to put yourself in situations that will exacerbate your pain and suffering. Say no to events, in-person or remote, that you know will be more draining than enjoyable. This is not your forever. This is just your right now. Now is not the time to accommodate others at your own expense.

Set boundaries during interactions. Sometimes a simple “I will let you know when there is something to share” does the trick in shutting down a painful inquiry. Or let someone in on your struggle without sharing all the details, like: “We also expected things to be different. It’s been really hard."

2. Plan your escape routes (literally and emotionally)

One of the kindest things you can do for yourself during the holidays is to plan how you will step away when things get overwhelming. Think of it less like running away and more like giving yourself breathing room. You are allowed to take space whenever you need it.

A simple trick is to set up a code word with your partner that means I need to leave now. Abbe from our community calls this one of her best partnership strategies because it protects your peace without inviting questions or tension. It is a quiet way to communicate your limit before you hit it.

It also helps to know where you can retreat. Maybe it is a bedroom with the door cracked open or a quick solo walk around the block. Before the gathering even begins, take note of any quiet corners so you have somewhere to land if conversations start heading into pregnancy territory.

Keep your keys somewhere you can reach easily so you do not feel stuck. Even if you never use them, knowing you can go at any time creates a real sense of safety.

And if long visits drain you, plan shorter ones. Blame the dog. Blame an early morning. Blame the weather. You do not owe anyone a marathon appearance. Your well-being matters more than tradition.

Finally, have an emotional escape route ready. A grounding technique, a mantra, a song that resets your nervous system, even a list on your phone titled Things I Can Focus On Instead. These quiet anchors help you stay connected to yourself when the room feels too loud.

None of this means you are fragile. It means you are self aware and prepared. In a season that often asks too much, that is something to be proud of.

3. Communicate your needs to your inner circle

It’s easy to get sucked into a black hole of emotion during the holidays. And hey, there are times when I think it’s plenty appropriate to set up a good cry session and give yourself space to just grieve. I also know that pain and grief come in cycles. Some days are super challenging and other days you feel great. If you’re in a cycle that gives you any extra bandwidth at all, I recommend thinking about a way to share some holiday love with someone else.

It doesn’t have to be a big, grand gesture or cost you a lot of time or money. Bake a holiday treat for your neighbor, sign up for the Secret Santa in your office, volunteer in your community (for something completely not holiday-related), or be intentional about picking out a gift for a friend.

I know that so many of us dream of being moms. We have generous and nurturing hearts. We long to take care of our kids, and we have a lot of stored-up love to share. My advice for the season is to let some of that love out to the people around you. It’s already bubbling up to overflowing, and it’s not like you can ever run out.

4. Create new traditions that honor where you are

For years, I wanted to avoid making holiday traditions with just the two of us. I wanted to wait to establish our traditions until we had kids, and I was (illogically) worried that if we started a tradition now without kids that it would somehow cement our fate as a childless couple for life. The result was that I avoided anything and everything fun about the holidays. If I couldn’t do it with kids, then I didn’t want to do it at all. I would say that the festivities made me too sad, and that was true, but I was also (consciously or subconsciously) avoiding things that could potentially make me feel happy.

Maybe you feel like you don’t deserve to be happy. Maybe it feels like being happy would negate all of the (very valid) sad feelings you are currently experiencing.

But here’s the truth: you can hold two feelings in tension. You can be sad that you aren’t where you wanted to be in life while also enjoying the here and now. Being happy today doesn’t diminish the loss of yesterday. And yes, friend, you deserve every happiness that comes your way.

In a season of life where happy moments may feel few and far between, let’s enjoy the ones we have and cultivate more of them.

So here is your permission slip to make your own holiday traditions this year. They may not be the same traditions you continue when you have kids, and that’s okay. Things may change from year to year, but I implore you to do what makes you happy today.

5. Prioritize infertility self-care when everything feels overwhelming

Since we know how legitimately challenging the holidays can be, it’s time to make a plan for radical self-care. This season may be tough, but so are you. With some proper planning, you can set yourself up to have a better holiday season than if you didn’t prepare at all.

We already know you are going to be faced with triggers. We know you may feel extra emotional (or hormotional, or both). We know working through all of those feelings can be incredibly draining.

So let’s start with the basics: taking care of your body. That means making sure you’re eating foods that make you feel good and energized, drinking lots of water, and getting a decent amount of sleep. This time of the year is so often “go, go, go,” but it’s okay (even necessary) to slow down sometimes. Take a deep breath. Go on a walk. Take care of your body. It will help carry you through the emotions of the season.

And what about when you are visiting family who knows just how to push your buttons? Here’s a very practical tip: intentionally pick an outfit to wear that you feel confident and comfortable in. I know it sounds a little silly, and yes, I know that inner beauty is the most important. But when Aunt Marta gives you the stellar advice of “just relax,” you just might find the fact that you’re wearing your favorite, silky soft sweater or killer holiday dress strangely comforting.

Beyond the “look good, feel good” advice, setting healthy, appropriate boundaries is crucial. Radical self-care means that you have permission to say yes to the things you want to say yes to and no to the things you want to say no to.

I know there will probably be family events that feel “required,” but remember that you have a lot more say in what you do and don’t do than you might think. You can skip certain events or only stay for a limited amount of time. You can RSVP your regrets to a neighborhood holiday party and save your energy for a favorite family tradition instead. (Or the other way around, if that is what brings you joy!)

Infertility can make you feel powerless over your body, but you are not powerless. You have the freedom to make choices that are right for you; to protect your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. You may not be able to control every emotional trigger that comes your way, but committing to intentional self-care can help those triggers sting just a little less.

Now and always, plan one thing each day that brings you pleasure. Take a walk with a podcast. Soak in the bath. Buy a special dessert. Take a yoga class. Infertility can steal the enjoyment out of our simplest pleasures. Take back these moments.

6. Navigate social media and holiday cards strategically

Social media can be a wonderful connector, but when you are struggling to conceive it can also feel like walking straight into a wall of triggers. The holidays turn that feeling up to high alert. Suddenly every scroll is a Santa themed pregnancy announcement or a perfectly staged family photo that lands like a punch to the chest. It is not that you are not happy for other people. It is that your heart is already holding so much.

Sometimes the most protective thing you can do is step back for a while. A break does not mean you are avoiding life. It means you are giving your nervous system a chance to breathe. Even a temporary pause can quiet the constant comparison loop that infertility so often creates. It also gives you space to reconnect with parts of yourself that get overshadowed when everything feels like a reminder of what you are hoping for but do not yet have.

Holiday cards can have a similar sting. You open an envelope and there it is. A beaming family in matching pyjamas or a friend’s baby surrounded by fairy lights. You never know what will make your chest tighten until it happens. If certain cards are too much, you do not have to display them. You do not even have to open them right away. You can choose to engage when you feel steady, or not at all.

And when all else fails, there is always the mute button. Mute friends temporarily. Mute hashtags. Mute entire platforms if you need to. It is not petty. It is not dramatic. It is self protection while you move through an already painful season. You are allowed to create distance from anything that makes the holidays harder than they already are.

7. Manage the minefield of holiday gatherings and questions

Holiday events can feel extra intense when you are trying to conceive. One minute you are enjoying your drink, and the next someone is asking, "So, when are you having kids?" Having a few ready made responses can take the pressure off. Try, "Something we are not discussing right now," or, "We will share when there is something to share." You can even go lighthearted with, "We will let you know as soon as we know ourselves." You don’t owe anyone more than that.

If a pregnancy announcement happens in the middle of a party and hits you like a wave, you’re allowed to step outside, take a breath, or regroup in another room. You don’t have to stand there smiling through a moment that breaks your heart a little.

Baby focused gatherings can be managed the same way. Plan a shorter visit, stick with someone who gets it, or identify a quiet corner you can escape to if needed. And if attending feels like too much, a simple “I can’t make it this year” is more than enough.

Check in with yourself before the event, give yourself grace during it, and plan something comforting afterward. Leaving early or skipping altogether is a valid and protective choice. This season is hard enough without forcing yourself into situations that drain you.

8. Find or create your infertility community support

The holidays can feel especially lonely when you are carrying something as heavy and invisible as infertility. This is where having a community, even a tiny one, can make all the difference. You deserve people who get it without needing a long explanation. People who understand why a pregnancy announcement can ruin your whole afternoon or why you might skip a gathering that feels too tender.

If you already have a trusted friend or two on this journey, lean on them. Share the moments that sting, the wins that feel small to everyone else, and the complicated emotions that show up without warning. A quick message before or after a difficult event can steady you in ways that family sometimes cannot.

And if you don’t have that kind of support yet, you can build it. Many find comfort in local support groups, online forums, or infertility communities on social media where people speak openly about the messier parts of this experience. Having even one person who says I get it can change the way you move through the season.

You can also create your own rituals of connection. A weekly check in with a friend going through something similar. A group chat where you can vent without feeling judged. A shared playlist or a book you read together. These small touchpoints remind you that you aren’t walking this road alone.

This season can bring up a lot, but you don’t have to shoulder it by yourself. Community doesn’t have to be big to be powerful. Even a single supportive relationship can be the lifeline that helps you feel grounded again.

9. Plan around treatment schedules (if applicable)

If you’re in the middle of fertility treatment, the holidays can feel like juggling two completely different worlds. On one side, there’s the festive chaos of travel, parties, and family expectations. On the other side, there are medications, monitoring appointments, and the emotional tightrope that comes with every cycle. It is a lot, and you’re allowed to acknowledge that.

Before the season gets busy, take a look at your treatment schedule. Map out appointment days, medication times, and any windows where you might need to rest. This helps you figure out which events feel doable and which ones might be better to skip or shorten. You don’t owe anyone a breakdown of hormone protocols. A simple “I have a medical commitment” is enough.

Travel can be especially tricky. If you’ll be away from home, check whether you need to bring medication, syringes, or a sharps container. If you need to keep anything refrigerated, plan ahead so you aren’t scrambling once you arrive. It’s also totally okay to stay closer to home this year if that feels less stressful.

Most importantly, give yourself kindness on the days when the emotional weight feels heavier than the holiday spirit. Building rest into the schedule is just as important as showing up for the appointment itself. This season isn’t a test of how much you can push through. It’s about protecting your body, your time, and your heart while you continue moving forward.

10. Give yourself permission to feel all the feelings

The holiday season brings good tidings of great joy, but it also brings with it lots of triggers. These triggers bring up painful places that we so often try to ignore.

Family-centered activities take the main stage. Holiday-themed pregnancy announcements light up social media. Kids become the primary focus. What are intended to be sweet moments of the holiday season for everyone else can feel like a knife in the heart for someone struggling with infertility.

You’re not selfish and you’re not petty for feeling this way. It isn’t that you can’t or don’t want to be happy for other people. It’s that you’ve suffered a loss. And whether that was a loss of a child, a pregnancy, or the dream of parenthood, a loss is a loss.

The family focus surrounding the holidays pushes that grief button in a really painful way. When you see a sweet family headed off to meet Santa, it’s hard not to imagine what your family would have looked like if things had gone your way, and that is a super crummy emotion to process through.

Spending more time with family members who may or may not be supportive and considerate of your current season of life can also be a big trigger. The holidays can be stressful for anyone (traveling, gift-giving expenses, shorter days, crappy weather, etc.) Add in Aunt Marta rubbing your belly and asking when you‘re going to make her a great aunt is just the icing on the cake in a season that already feels quite draining (to put it mildly.)

Even if your friends or family aren’t quite as inappropriately straightforward as dear Aunt Marta, there are still plenty of opportunities to be triggered by innocent and even well-meaning questions. Being around people who don’t quite understand your journey is challenging, particularly during such a sensitive season.

Finally, the end of the calendar year can feel demoralizing. It seems like just yesterday we were kicking off January and confidently saying “This is my year.” And now, there are just a few weeks left before we realize we were wrong, yet again. It wasn’t our year. You may feel extra pressure to get one last cycle in, for one last chance to get your next-year miracle. (I’m not saying you should feel that pressure, just that if you are feeling that pressure, you aren’t the only one.)

I say all of this not to rub the challenges of the holiday season in your face or to tell you that you should dread the final weeks of the year. You may love the holidays, and that’s just great! But if the holiday season has you feeling ambivalent at best, I just want you to know you’re not alone. The feelings you’re feeling are real, they are valid, and you’re certainly not alone in them.

Self-compassion means extending care, kindness, and understanding to ourselves as we struggle. It means talking to ourselves the way we would talk to a loved one. It means treating ourselves the way we would a beloved pet.

Infertility at Christmas: Extra challenges and how to handle them

Christmas can feel especially sharp when you are trying to conceive. Everywhere you turn, the focus is on children, family, and milestones you hoped you’d be celebrating by now. Instead of brushing those feelings aside, it can help to name the challenges and choose gentle ways to get through them:

• The child-focused nature of the season: Christmas adverts, school plays, and family photos can catch you off guard. Try curating your environment by limiting social media, choosing lower key events, and giving yourself permission to skip anything that feels too tender.
• Religious services that center pregnancy and birth: Nativity readings or sermons about motherhood may stir up difficult emotions. Sit near an exit so you can step out if needed, attend a more neutral service, or skip this year’s gathering entirely if it feels protective.
• Kid centric traditions everywhere you look: Advent calendars, Santa meet and greets, matching pajama displays. If these sting, redirect your energy into adult friendly traditions like festive baking, movie nights, or creating your own countdown that focuses on rest or joy.
• Christmas morning grief: Waking up to a quiet house can feel especially heavy when you imagined a baby would be part of the picture by now. Plan something nurturing for the morning, such as a special breakfast, a slow start, or time outside to reset your nervous system.
• Feeling disconnected from the meaning of the season: When everyone talks about family magic, it is easy to feel left out. Instead, look for meaning that belongs to you. Light candles, volunteer, journal, create a small ritual with your partner, or find comfort in simple moments rather than big traditional ones.

Christmas may feel different right now, but that doesn’t mean it can’t hold space for you. You’re allowed to shape the season around what you need, rather than what you think you should be able to handle.

When holidays and infertility collide: You're allowed to struggle

The holiday season is painted as a time of joy, togetherness, and magic. But when you’re living with infertility, this time of year can feel like emotional quicksand. It’s important to know that you aren’t failing or falling behind if the best you can do right now is simply getting through the month. Surviving the season is still surviving, and that is enough.

Here are a few truths to hold onto when the holidays feel heavier than usual:

• You do not need to perform gratitude just because it’s December. The pressure to feel thankful, uplifted, or endlessly positive can make your pain feel invisible. You’re allowed to feel what you feel without covering it with a smile. There’s nothing ungrateful about being heartbroken.
• Infertility doesn’t pause for the holidays. While everyone else seems to switch into celebration mode, your body and your grief keep moving on their own timeline. It’s normal if you feel out of step with the people around you.
• Another year passing can hurt more than you expected. The turning of the calendar can bring up a specific kind of ache. You might be grieving the baby you hoped would be here by now or the milestones you imagined you’d be celebrating. That layered grief is real, and it deserves compassion instead of minimization.
• You’re allowed to lower your expectations of yourself. If all you manage is showing up in small ways, that counts. If you need to cancel, that also counts. Coping isn’t a competition.
• Getting through the season is a victory. You don’t need to reclaim joy, fix your mindset, or transform your holiday experience to make it meaningful. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is simply stay soft with yourself when everything feels overwhelming.

Struggling doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human, and you’re allowed to meet this season with honesty rather than pressure. Your feelings matter, your grief is valid, and getting through the holidays in one piece is more than enough.

Looking ahead: There's no "right way" to do the holidays with infertility

As you move through this season, remember that there’s no single correct way to handle the holidays while navigating infertility. What feels supportive for someone else might feel impossible for you, and that’s completely valid. Your coping strategies don’t have to look neat or polished. They only need to help you get through in the way that feels safest and kindest for you.

Be gentle with yourself as your needs shift. What brings comfort this year may not land the same way next year, and that’s not a sign that you’re slipping backwards. It’s simply part of being human in a situation that asks so much of you. Even if you try every tool available and still find yourself hurting, that doesn’t mean you failed. It means this is hard, and you’re doing your best with what you have.

You will make it through this season. Maybe not gracefully, maybe not cheerfully, but you will. And you’re not doing it alone. So many others know this particular ache and would stand right beside you if they could.

However you choose to move through the holidays this year, let it be with softness toward yourself. You deserve understanding, you deserve support, and you deserve to feel less alone in all of this.